A girl went to Europe for 5 days with her friends.
She asked her boyfriend to watch her cat while she was gone. The first day she was gone, the cat was hit by a car and was killed. The first day she was gone she called and asked how her cat was doing. He didn’t want to ruin her vacation so he said the cat was fine.
A woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks: “Why the last one is so cheap”?
“Because he used to live in a brothel”, says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
A farmer was fed up with drivers speeding down the road where he lived, so he asked the police to put up a sign…
They put up a "Slow down, speed limit" sign – with no effect. Then, "Danger, road hazard!" sign was put up, but had no effect, either. Then the police tried a sign stating "Children crossing" – and still, nobody slowed down.
A drunk man who smelled like a beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was smeared with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began to read.
A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"
He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"
A man goes to apply for a job in a big Walmart. He's interviewed by the personnel manager and asked:
– Do you have sales experience?
– Yes, sir, I worked selling clothes.
The manager decides to give him a test, so he says:
group of engineering professors were invited to fly in a plane
Right after they were comfortably seated, they were informed the plane was built by their students.
All but one professor got off their seats rushed frantically to the exists in a chaotic panic.
Three old friends met at a bar, and one asked the group, “When we die, what do we want to be the final words of our loved ones when they look over our casket?”
“I want them to say that I was a loving and loyal husband and father who always put his family first”, the first friend said.
I went to a pet shop and the owner said he had a talking centipede for sale.
I said ‘no way, centipedes don’t talk.’ The owner promised me it was a talking centipede so I purchased it and took it home with me. A little later in that evening I went up to its tank and said ‘alright mate, I’m just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?’
A woman was pulled over for speeding. This is what happened:
Woman: Is there a problem Officer.
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license, please?
Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
A woman was caught with drugs in her hand by a cop while in the bathroom of a nightclub
The woman swears that the drugs are not hers and promises that, “They aren’t mine – I found them here and I tried to flush them down the toilet. However, every single …
One day when Jesus was relaxing in Heaven, He happened to notice a familiar-looking old man.
Wondering if the old man was His father Joseph, Jesus asked him, “Did you, by any chance, ever have a son?”
“Yes,” said the old man, “but he wasn’t my biological son….
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help me?
I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”
The woman below replied, “You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground….
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