FunnyGuy
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Good Old Grandpa
“You kids today,” says a college student’s grandpa. “All you do is stay in the house all day and play video games. When I was your age, my buddies and I went to Paris and went to the Moulin Rouge. We fucked some of the dancers right on stage, went behind the bar, robbed the register, and stayed there drinking all night!”
The New Collector
The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were “protecting.”
Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide to use a deaf and dumb person for this job. If he were to get caught, he wouldn’t be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.
Dave has Died and is Waiting
Dave has died and is waiting in the queue to get into heaven.
As he draws ever closer to St Peter he can hear him asking people the same question.
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A Hunting Joke
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.” …
I Was Flirting
I was flirting really well with this woman in the bar.
“Do you want me to show you a good time?” she asked.
The Fastest Dad
3 Kids are arguing about who’s dad is the fastest…
At lunch, the first boy says his dad is the faster because he is a bricklayer & when he drops a brick from the 5th floor he can run to the ground level & be there before the brick hits…
The Preacher and The Ghost
A new preacher wanted to rent a house in the country but the only one available was rumored to be haunted. That didn’t bother the preacher since he didn’t believe in such things. He went ahead and rented the place.
The judge says…
The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, “You’re charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.”
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, “You bastard!” The judge says, “You’re also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer.” The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, “You bastard!”…
A Bear in a Bar
A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down.
He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, “We don’t serve beer to bears in bars in Billings.” The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, “We don’t serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings.” The bear, very angry now, says, “If you don’t serve me a beer, I’m going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar.” The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings.”
That Stupid Question
A man works up courage to ask his wife how many sexual partners she had before him
She says “really?” and goes silent. Doesn’t say anything in the morning. Or afternoon. Or the next day. After 3 days, the husband approaches his wife and apologetically asks – “Why are you giving me the silent treatment? Are you mad at me for that stupid question?”
A Big Bag of Oranges
Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor.
They decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally. One of them suggested the nearby cemetery.
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Irish daughter…
Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.
Upon her return her Father cursed her heavily.
“Where have you been all this time, child? Why did you not write to us, not even a line? Why didn’t you call? Can you not understand what you put yer old Mother through?”
The girl, crying, replied, “Dad… I became a prostitute.”
