There was a woman named Betty Lou, whose life had recently fallen into a downward spiral of horrible luck. She had been laid off after working for the same company for several years. She began binge eating to cope, and as a result, become terribly overweight. This made it more difficult for her to actively seek employment, so she mostly just stayed at home…
I have a lower back tattoo, and in the delivery room, they absolutely refused to give me an epidural…
I have a lower back tattoo, and in the delivery room, they absolutely refused to give me an epidural (or any pain meds at all).
My wife left for work this morning, and almost immediately I got a call from my next-door neighbor telling me to come around quickly as she needed my help.
So, I knock on her door, and she opens the door in a robe and immediately drags me into the living room. She then drops the robe to reveal she is completely naked. As my mouth hangs open she says: “Everything you can see between my legs is yours”
A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter’s bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
What are you doing?” she exclaimed.
A patient walks into an optometrist’s office.
The optometrist starts the eye exam and casually asks her if there’s any particular reason she came in for a checkup.
Two men are adrift in a lifeboat for days. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, one of the men stumbles across an old lamp. When he touches it, a genie comes forth. This particular genie, however, states that she can deliver only one wish, not the standard three.
A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is big!”
“Everything is big in Texas,” says the bellhop.
A woman gynecologist decides she wants to become a mechanic. She enrolls in a technical college and becomes an A student.
Before she can graduate she must pass the final exam, which is dismantling a car engine & rebuilding correctly. When she receives the results of her exam she sees the instructor gave her 150 points. Fearing there must be some error she goes to ask her instructor.
A nurse dies and mistakenly goes to hell. St. Peter, realizing he fucked up, knocks on hell’s gate …
“Nurses belong in heaven, you know that she must come with me,” St. Peter exclaims.
Bush, Trump, and Hillary are all on a plane during the pandemic…
Bush says, “I could throw this $100 mask out the window and make someone happy”. Trump, with a smug look on his face replies, “I could throw ten $10 masks out the window and make 10 people happy”. Hillary smirks and says, “Oh yeah, I could throw one hundred $1 masks out the window and make 100 people happy”.
The medics rushed Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of the night, apparently due to a massive heart attack.
The doctors work on him all night and morning and finally discharge him to the Intensive Care Unit, where therapy continues.
A marine general, an army general, and a navy admiral were discussing who had the toughest men…
The army general says, “Alright, I’ll prove the army has the toughest men in the country. Private, get over here!”
A man walks into a bar.
He asks the bartender for a Jack and coke. The bartender says “I’ve got you” and hands him an apple.
“You’ve got to be joking,” said the man
A college engineering student shows up with a new bike.
“Woah where did you get such a nice bike?” his fellow engineering student asked.
Little John and his mother were attending church.
Suddenly in the middle of mass, John clenched his tummy and looks distressed
A battle between an American, a Brit, and a Filipino.
It’s a competition of who has the most number of children.
It’s the Olympics and a lot of audiences gathered in a dome.
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