A husband and a wife are celebrating their 50 year anniversary by having some dinner. After being together for so long they don’t have many secrets but the husband always wanted to know.
“Hey honey, have you ever cheated on me? We’ve been together so long it doesn’t even matter, but I’d like to know,” he says.
A guy finds his dog with the neighbor’s pet rabbit in its mouth.
The rabbit is dead and the guy panics.
He takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house.
A football star is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire, a lady is standing on a third-story ledge holding her cat in her arms.
“Hey, lady”, yells Larry, “Throw me the cat!”
NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, and he couldn’t return to Earth.
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going.
“A million dollars,” he answered, “because I want to donate it to M.I.T.”
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked,
‘Mrs. Jones, do you know me?’
Little April isn’t always the best in school, she’d always fall asleep in class, on their first day of school for the year, they started with a religion class. Near the start of the lesson, the teacher decided to ask little April a question.
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
‘Have you ever done anything of particular merit?’ St. Peter asked.
A man is walking in the street and sees a woman with the most beautiful breasts he’d ever seen.
He walks up to her and asks: “If I give you 10.000 dollars, will you let me bite your boob?”
The woman, quite shocked, obviously says no.
A priest is playing darts. Every time he misses he yells out: “Jesus Fucking Christ I’m pissed, my shot just missed!”.
A bishop sees him and warns him about using the lord’s name in vain. “If you use that language again, I shall ask the Lord to punish you,” he says.
Indian Prime Minister Indira Gandhi was once invited by Queen Elizabeth.
Both of them were riding in the Queen’s horse-driven carriage when one of the horses farted.
2 middle-aged women go out on the town for a girls night out
At the end of the night, they both have been drinking so much that they decide to walk home. Halfway home, they both have to piss pretty badly. Nothing is open at 3 AM, so they duck into a graveyard they’re passing by to squat behind a couple of tombstones. They both realize that they have nothing to wipe with, so one takes off her panties and uses them…
Two brothers are in their room at night formulating a plan.
“I think we’re old enough to start cussing,” the older brother says. “Tomorrow morning, I’m going to say ‘hell’ and you’re going to say ‘ass’, ok?” His younger brother agrees to the plan.
Fred mistakenly gets on a bus full of war veterans, but upon discovering it is going his way, decides to stay on for the ride…
He sits down next to a guy that jerks his head to the left every few seconds, over and over. This really starts to get on Fred’s nerves so he asks him, “What the hell is wrong with you?”
A 70-year-old woman chose to remain overnight in a costly hotel as a treat for her birthday.
The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.
Kim Jong Un went to get his palm read.
“Ah”, said the mystic. “One year from now I see great glory in your future.
A cop pulled over a guy he suspected of driving under the influence.
He told the driver he’d have to take a breathalyzer test.
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