A professor is about to give his final exam…
“You must turn in your paper before 2 P.M. I won’t take it a second later.”

All the students turn in their papers and the professor begins to walk to his office when the last student jumps up and approaches the professor, “I’m so sorry I’m a few seconds late! Take my paper, please!”

I’m a Russian woman, but I know Chinese and English very well. Looking at me you’ll never guess that I know Chinese.

The other day a Chinese couple came to my line and I asked them (in English) all the necessary questions.

When I was a kid, I was always excited to learn new words. When I was in first grade, my teacher taught me that “shin” was a synonym for “leg”.

Later that day, I was walking with my mom, when I tripped and hit my leg on the ground really hard. I yelled out: “Oh, my shin!” although my mom has heard: “Oh, my shit.” She started yelling about how that was a bad word and we didn’t say that word, and she was going to wash my mouth out with soap. I was crying, bawling mess of a child, to the point I was doing that weird cry, stutter, hiccup noise. She paused in berating me and said: “Who taught you that word?!” Of course, I told the truth and said “My teacher taught me that word!” and she started ranting about how she was going to call the school and get that teacher yelled at.

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.

I failed the first quarter of a class in middle school, so I made a fake report card. I did this every quarter that year. I forgot that they mail home the end-of-year cards, and my mom got it before I could intercept with my fake.

In my junior years, this guy asked me on a date.

He rented a Redbox movie and made a turkey. We were watching a movie and the oven beeped so the turkey was done. He looked at me dead in the eye and said,

An old lady wanted to withdraw money from a bank.

This old lady handed her bank card to the teller and said: “I would like to withdraw £10”. The teller told her “for withdrawals less than £100, please use the ATM.

A man crosses the border each morning on a donkey…

…and each day, his donkey is loaded with only bags of straw. When he reaches the bridge marking the border, the tax collectors search his bags to calculate what duty he must pay on his exports. Every day, they find nothing. And yet, in the evening, after their shift has finished and they are in the tea houses or restaurants in the city, they see the same man spending lots of money and boasting that he is in fact a smuggler and that no one can catch him.

One day they were talking and Adam noticed that Brandon has a huge collection of books. Adam asked Brandon if he may borrow a few books.

Brandon replied, “I don’t lend books. If you want to read books, you may come to my house and read it here.”

A group of teens, all 16, are hanging out together.
As they conversate, one girl admits she’s been having terrible menstrual cramps all day long and it’s extremely tender to even so much as poke her stomach.