A blind guy walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. After a while, he asks the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bartender replies, "Sure, but before you start you should know, I'm blonde. The woman on your left is a blonde, and the man on your right has a black belt in karate and is also blonde… Are you SURE you want to tell a blonde joke in here?" The blind man replies, "Nah, not if I have to explain it three times."
An off duty soldier took a train.
When the train reaches its first stop, a general walk in, and the soldier stood up, the general said. ‘At ease soldier, sit down.’
The train reached its second stop, again the soldier…
A great scientist invents a machine to split the pain of birth between a couple…
He finds a couple who just went into labor, and asks them if he can use the machine on them, as a test.
The couple agrees, and the husband says “We can split it 50 – 50, its only fair”. So the scientist turns the machine up to 50%, just as the baby begins coming out, and the women starts groaning in pain…
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said “Stop! Don’t do it!”
“Why shouldn’t I?” he said.
I said, “Well, there’s so much to live for!”
“Like what?”
“Well … are you religious or atheist?”
“Religious.”
My psychotherapist once told me that I should write letters to the people that did me harm and then burn them. But what do I do with the letters?
A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”
“Don’t worry,” said the doctor. “Those are just contractions.”
David Hasselhoff walks into a bar and orders a drink.
“It’s a pleasure to serve you, Mr. Hasselhoff,” says the bartender.
“Just call me Hoff,” he replied.
“Sure,” said the bartender, “no hassle.”
Jane and Erica are talking in heaven
“How did you die?” Jane asks Erica.
She replies, “I froze to death.”
“Oh, that’s terrible!” says Jane.
“It wasn’t too bad, after a while you start to get a sort of peaceful feeling…
A lady goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. They say the parrot is 200 dollars, no refunds. The owner warns her the parrot can be badly behaved, but is normally well Behaved.
After some convincing she decides to buy the parrot. She goes home and as soon as they walk in the door the parrot goes “oh man this place is a shithole”…
The Englishman wasn’t technically a man, but was rather the sentence, “What do you call a fish with no eyes?”.
Likewise, the Scotsman wasn’t technically a man either, but was actually the sentence, “I don’t know
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