A man goes to apply for a job in a big Walmart. He's interviewed by the personnel manager and asked:
– Do you have sales experience?
– Yes, sir, I worked selling clothes.
The manager decides to give him a test, so he says:
group of engineering professors were invited to fly in a plane
Right after they were comfortably seated, they were informed the plane was built by their students.
All but one professor got off their seats rushed frantically to the exists in a chaotic panic.
Three old friends met at a bar, and one asked the group, “When we die, what do we want to be the final words of our loved ones when they look over our casket?”
“I want them to say that I was a loving and loyal husband and father who always put his family first”, the first friend said.
I went to a pet shop and the owner said he had a talking centipede for sale.
I said ‘no way, centipedes don’t talk.’ The owner promised me it was a talking centipede so I purchased it and took it home with me. A little later in that evening I went up to its tank and said ‘alright mate, I’m just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?’
A woman was pulled over for speeding. This is what happened:
Woman: Is there a problem Officer.
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license, please?
Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
A woman was caught with drugs in her hand by a cop while in the bathroom of a nightclub
The woman swears that the drugs are not hers and promises that, “They aren’t mine – I found them here and I tried to flush them down the toilet. However, every single …
One day when Jesus was relaxing in Heaven, He happened to notice a familiar-looking old man.
Wondering if the old man was His father Joseph, Jesus asked him, “Did you, by any chance, ever have a son?”
“Yes,” said the old man, “but he wasn’t my biological son….
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help me?
I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”
The woman below replied, “You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground….
A girl wearing a skirt was reading her favorite book under an apple tree. A boy suddenly approached her and said “I would pay you $5 if you would help me climb the tree and pluck me an apple”. The girl replied, “Sure! I’ll help you.” The boy then handed her the $5 after receiving the apple. Later that night, she told her mom how she got $5 by picking apples for a boy. Her mother said…
My buddy and I were out for a walk and noticed this giant hole in a field…
We walked up to the hole and threw in a small rock; no sound; no signs of it hitting the bottom!
So we found a larger rock and threw it into the hole; no sound; no signs of it ever hitting the bottom.
My buddy notices a bunch of railroad ties along the forest line nearby…
A man walks into a bar, takes a seat, and asks the bartender for three shots of gin. The bartender gets one shot of gin and sets it in front of the gentleman.
"I'll take all three right now, if you don't mind," says the man. He puts $20 on the bar.
The bartender puts down two more shots of gin and picks up the $20. He watches from the far end of the bar as the man slowly sips the three shots of gin, one after another, pondering and lost in thought while he drank. After the third shot he thanks the bartender and leaves.
A police officer pulls over a car full of old women. He says “Mam, you realize you can’t drive that slow on the highway. It’s dangerous.”
She responds “Isn’t the speed limit 33?”
Laughing the cop says “No man…
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