A priest is playing darts. Every time he misses he yells out: “Jesus Fucking Christ I’m pissed, my shot just missed!”.
A bishop sees him and warns him about using the lord’s name in vain. “If you use that language again, I shall ask the Lord to punish you,” he says.
Indian Prime Minister Indira Gandhi was once invited by Queen Elizabeth.
Both of them were riding in the Queen’s horse-driven carriage when one of the horses farted.
2 middle-aged women go out on the town for a girls night out
At the end of the night, they both have been drinking so much that they decide to walk home. Halfway home, they both have to piss pretty badly. Nothing is open at 3 AM, so they duck into a graveyard they’re passing by to squat behind a couple of tombstones. They both realize that they have nothing to wipe with, so one takes off her panties and uses them…
Two brothers are in their room at night formulating a plan.
“I think we’re old enough to start cussing,” the older brother says. “Tomorrow morning, I’m going to say ‘hell’ and you’re going to say ‘ass’, ok?” His younger brother agrees to the plan.
Fred mistakenly gets on a bus full of war veterans, but upon discovering it is going his way, decides to stay on for the ride…
He sits down next to a guy that jerks his head to the left every few seconds, over and over. This really starts to get on Fred’s nerves so he asks him, “What the hell is wrong with you?”
A 70-year-old woman chose to remain overnight in a costly hotel as a treat for her birthday.
The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.
Kim Jong Un went to get his palm read.
“Ah”, said the mystic. “One year from now I see great glory in your future.
A cop pulled over a guy he suspected of driving under the influence.
He told the driver he’d have to take a breathalyzer test.
There was a woman named Betty Lou, whose life had recently fallen into a downward spiral of horrible luck. She had been laid off after working for the same company for several years. She began binge eating to cope, and as a result, become terribly overweight. This made it more difficult for her to actively seek employment, so she mostly just stayed at home…
I have a lower back tattoo, and in the delivery room, they absolutely refused to give me an epidural…
I have a lower back tattoo, and in the delivery room, they absolutely refused to give me an epidural (or any pain meds at all).
My wife left for work this morning, and almost immediately I got a call from my next-door neighbor telling me to come around quickly as she needed my help.
So, I knock on her door, and she opens the door in a robe and immediately drags me into the living room. She then drops the robe to reveal she is completely naked. As my mouth hangs open she says: “Everything you can see between my legs is yours”
A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter’s bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
What are you doing?” she exclaimed.
A patient walks into an optometrist’s office.
The optometrist starts the eye exam and casually asks her if there’s any particular reason she came in for a checkup.
Two men are adrift in a lifeboat for days. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, one of the men stumbles across an old lamp. When he touches it, a genie comes forth. This particular genie, however, states that she can deliver only one wish, not the standard three.
A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is big!”
“Everything is big in Texas,” says the bellhop.
A woman gynecologist decides she wants to become a mechanic. She enrolls in a technical college and becomes an A student.
Before she can graduate she must pass the final exam, which is dismantling a car engine & rebuilding correctly. When she receives the results of her exam she sees the instructor gave her 150 points. Fearing there must be some error she goes to ask her instructor.
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