A man’s wife sends him out to get some cigarettes
So he walks down to the nearby store only to find that it’s closed. He goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. While at the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers together, and then one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.
There were these two blonds and they locked their keys in their car…
The one blonde says to the other, “What do we do? Do we get a coat hanger and pick the lock?”
An 84 years old man to his doctor: My 24 years old wife is pregnant. Your opinion doctor?
Doctor: Let me tell you a story:
One day they were talking and Adam noticed that Brandon has a huge collection of books. Adam asked Brandon if he may borrow a few books.
Brandon replied, “I don’t lend books. If you want to read books, you may come to my house and read it here.”
Three construction workers are sitting on a scaffolding eating lunch.
An electrician, a bricklayer, and a welder are sitting on a high-rise scaffolding on their lunch break. They all open their lunches to find baloney sandwiches. The electrician sighs and says:
My best friend Matt and I were captured by wild Indians.
We pleaded and begged them to let us go.
A couple who had two beautiful daughters decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
Soon, the wife became pregnant and was happy to deliver a baby boy.
A husband and a wife are celebrating their 50 year anniversary by having some dinner. After being together for so long they don’t have many secrets but the husband always wanted to know.
“Hey honey, have you ever cheated on me? We’ve been together so long it doesn’t even matter, but I’d like to know,” he says.
A guy finds his dog with the neighbor’s pet rabbit in its mouth.
The rabbit is dead and the guy panics.
He takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house.
A football star is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire, a lady is standing on a third-story ledge holding her cat in her arms.
“Hey, lady”, yells Larry, “Throw me the cat!”
NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, and he couldn’t return to Earth.
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going.
“A million dollars,” he answered, “because I want to donate it to M.I.T.”
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked,
‘Mrs. Jones, do you know me?’
Little April isn’t always the best in school, she’d always fall asleep in class, on their first day of school for the year, they started with a religion class. Near the start of the lesson, the teacher decided to ask little April a question.
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
‘Have you ever done anything of particular merit?’ St. Peter asked.
A man is walking in the street and sees a woman with the most beautiful breasts he’d ever seen.
He walks up to her and asks: “If I give you 10.000 dollars, will you let me bite your boob?”
The woman, quite shocked, obviously says no.
A priest is playing darts. Every time he misses he yells out: “Jesus Fucking Christ I’m pissed, my shot just missed!”.
A bishop sees him and warns him about using the lord’s name in vain. “If you use that language again, I shall ask the Lord to punish you,” he says.
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