God was looking down on the earth and decided everything was too messed up to let it continue. He decided giving an ultimatum to humans would do the trick, so he called up who he thought were the three most important people on earth to tell them. God called up Angela Merkel, Vladimir Putin, and Donald Trump and told them that unless they could make the world a perfect place in three days, he was going to kill everyone.
Two guys sat in their hospital beds having a little chat.
After death, George Bush, Barack Obama and Donald Trump are going for an interview with God.
God asks Bush, “What do you believe in?”
A pastor’s wife was pregnant, and he asked his congregation for a pay raise… they took a vote, and decided that every time a pastor had a child, their pay would be increased…
…after the preacher’s 6th child, the congregation began to get uneasy about the pastor’s high pay rate. They met to have another vote…
“A policeman noticed an old lady standing on a street corner during a sudden windstorm.
She was bracing herself by holding a light post with one hand, and she was holding her hat snugly against her head with her other hand. Unfortunately, a strong gust blew her dress upward, and it continued to flap in the wind, exposing her privates for everyone to see.
A horrible accident happened last week while I was replacing the windows at the top of a skyscraper
I went up the skyscraper with 2 of my colleagues and it was going great at first. After about an hour I heard an awful scream and I saw one guy falling down and hitting the pavement. It was Robert Steinberg. He was dead on impact, nothing we could’ve done.
Jack and Jill have been married for forty years.
And every morning jack wakes up, has a stretch and forces out the biggest fart you’ve ever heard. Every morning his wife Jill would tell him he is disgusting and tells him that one day he’s gonna push so hard his guts will fall out to which he would reply better out than in my love.
There was a porta-potty near the edge of a small cliff.
Everyday young Bobby would walk by it on the way home from school, and every day he would resist the temptation to kick it off the edge of the cliff.
When google helps you to find sugar daddy
A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs.
Cashier: “You must be single”
The man: “Wow how did you know that?”
Cashier: “Because you’re fucking ugly”
The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”
No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”
Every day a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine
He inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this she can’t stand it anymore, takes her complaint to HR and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.
A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with teddy bears.
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