An off duty soldier took a train.
When the train reaches its first stop, a general walk in, and the soldier stood up, the general said. ‘At ease soldier, sit down.’
The train reached its second stop, again the soldier…

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said “Stop! Don’t do it!”
“Why shouldn’t I?” he said.
I said, “Well, there’s so much to live for!”
“Like what?”
“Well … are you religious or atheist?”
“Religious.”

Jane and Erica are talking in heaven
“How did you die?” Jane asks Erica.
She replies, “I froze to death.”
“Oh, that’s terrible!” says Jane.
“It wasn’t too bad, after a while you start to get a sort of peaceful feeling…

A lady goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. They say the parrot is 200 dollars, no refunds. The owner warns her the parrot can be badly behaved, but is normally well Behaved.

After some convincing she decides to buy the parrot. She goes home and as soon as they walk in the door the parrot goes “oh man this place is a shithole”…

A lady comes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. She sees a beautiful one for an unusually low price and asks about it.
“Well, she’s got a foul mouth.” The owner says and then asks the parrot “Come on, Sarah, say something.”
“I’m Sarah and I want to be fucked hard all day and all night.”

Lady walks by a pet store with a parrot sitting outside. As she walks by, the parrot says “Hey lady! You are fucking ugly.” The woman is taken aback but decides to just ignore it and go about her day.

The next week, she walking by the same store and the parrot is still out there. As she walks by, the parrot says “Hey lady! You are fucking ugly.” …

The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. “I told you,” the wife replies, “he died last week.” The day after he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife…

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there’s a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck…