Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable.

However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they can't afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in store for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one.

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

A farmer was fed up with drivers speeding down the road where he lived, so he asked the police to put up a sign…
They put up a "Slow down, speed limit" sign – with no effect. Then, "Danger, road hazard!" sign was put up, but had no effect, either. Then the police tried a sign stating "Children crossing" – and still, nobody slowed down.

A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"
He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"

A man goes to apply for a job in a big Walmart. He's interviewed by the personnel manager and asked:
– Do you have sales experience?
– Yes, sir, I worked selling clothes.
The manager decides to give him a test, so he says:

A woman was pulled over for speeding. This is what happened:
Woman: Is there a problem Officer.
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license, please?
Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?

A woman was caught with drugs in her hand by a cop while in the bathroom of a nightclub
The woman swears that the drugs are not hers and promises that, “They aren’t mine – I found them here and I tried to flush them down the toilet. However, every single …

A girl wearing a skirt was reading her favorite book under an apple tree. A boy suddenly approached her and said “I would pay you $5 if you would help me climb the tree and pluck me an apple”. The girl replied, “Sure! I’ll help you.” The boy then handed her the $5 after receiving the apple. Later that night, she told her mom how she got $5 by picking apples for a boy. Her mother said…

A police officer pulls over a car full of old women. He says “Mam, you realize you can’t drive that slow on the highway. It’s dangerous.”
She responds “Isn’t the speed limit 33?”
Laughing the cop says “No man…

A great scientist invents a machine to split the pain of birth between a couple…
He finds a couple who just went into labor, and asks them if he can use the machine on them, as a test.
The couple agrees, and the husband says “We can split it 50 – 50, its only fair”. So the scientist turns the machine up to 50%, just as the baby begins coming out, and the women starts groaning in pain…

Upon arrival in heaven, God said, “Since you have died in a terrible way, I’ll grant you one wish before I let you into heaven.”

The first woman, being a person always concerned on her looks, comes up to God and says “I wish to be beautiful.” God grants her wish. …

Two men are walking their dogs (a doberman and a chihuahua) when they see a restaurant.
They’re pretty hungry, do they decide to head in for a bite to eat. Unfortunately, they see a sign out front that says “NO DOGS ALLOWED”….

A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?”

His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to th

An old man was asked “What’s your secret that, even after 60 years of marriage, you still manage to call your wife my love, honey, sweetheart?”
He said “Well, I’ve forgotten her name long ago and I’m embarrassed to ask”