Best Classic Jokes on the internet. An ever-growing collection of extremely funny jokes.
A man went to church and decided to get baptized. The pastor dipped him thrice in the baptismal pool and said,
“You are baptized in the name of the Father, and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. From now on you’ll be called Johnson, and you should never drink beer again.”
One day the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. And there began protestations from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal.
“I’ll have a religious debate with a member of the community. If you win, the Jews can stay. If I win, you must leave.”
The doctor says to the patient, “I’ve got good news, bad news, and very bad news for you.”
“Well, what’s the good news?” asked the patient.
A couple was arguing in a lodge. The husband called the manager and said,
“I’m having an argument with my wife, and now she wants to jump out the window please come here as soon as possible!”
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he asks,
“You look terrible. What’s the problem?”
A very nice girl goes to the city hall to register for welfare benefits.
“How many children do you have?” asked the worker.
It was my first night caring for an elderly patient. When he grew sleepy, I wheeled his chair as close to the bed as possible and, using the techniques I’d learned in school, grasped him in a bear hug to lift him into the bed. But I couldn’t clear the top of the mattress. So I grabbed him again, summoned all my might, and the same.
A: Can I speak to the designer?
B: He is busy.
A: Well, what is he doing?
B: They beat him…
A farmer is sitting in a bar slowly getting drunk. A man comes in and asks the farmer,
“Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?”
An atheist in a restaurant asks, “What’s this fly doing in my soup?”
The waiter answeres, “It’s praying.”
A son to his mother, “Mom can I get thirty dollars”
The mother replies: Does it look like I am made of money ??
A man and his wife decided to get divorced.
They were in the divorce court, but the care of their children was a problem. The mother gets up and says to the judge that since she delivered the children, she should take care of them. The judge asked for the father’s justification. After a long silence, the father stood up and replied,
A very handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce perfect children.
With that as his mission, he began searching for the woman. After a long period of searching, he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them. The farmer just replied,
A lady walks into a car dealership. She walks around, spots, and walks over to the most exciting car to inspect it.
As she bends over to feel the car, she inadvertently farts. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a salesperson doesn’t pop up right now. She turns around, and the salesman is standing right behind her. Displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady,
The devout man lost his Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.
A few weeks later, a dog walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth.
An old lady got on an elevator in a luxurious building when a young woman gets on smelling of perfume. The woman turns to the old lady and says,
“CLIVE CHRISTIAN NO. 1 USD 2150 per ounce!”
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