So a bus full of ugly people are driving along a cliffside, when suddenly a landslide knocks them off and they crash into the ocean. Everyone dies.

When they get up to heaven to meet their maker, he says, “Since you have suffered in your lives, I will grant you each one wish before you enter heaven.”…

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd, “If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?”

The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, “Sure. Why not?”…

How do you keep a Baptist from drinking at your party/bar?
Invite two of them.

Jews don’t recognize Jesus, Protestants don’t recognize the Pope, and Baptists don’t recognize each other in the liquor store…

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”…

A biologist, a physicist and a mathematician travel together by train. Right after entering Scotland they see a black sheep standing on top of a hill.

“Look at that,” says the biologist. “Apparently…

‘Dad, what’s Politics?’

Dad says, ‘Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government…

The policeman approaches the drivers door.

“Is there a problem, Officer?”

The policeman says, “Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?”

The driver responds, “I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.”..

Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, “I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs.”

“Odd,” her companion replied, “but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.”…

A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him. The dog looked up and said, “Don’t be surprised. This is just part of my job.”

Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

“How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks a lawyer.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. John Watson went on a camping trip. After sharing a good meal and a bottle of Petri wine, they retire to their tent for the night.

At about 3 in the morning, Holmes wakes Watson up and asks, “Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?”

An old nun, a cute Swedish girl, an American guy, and a Frenchman are all in a train car. The train goes into a dark tunnel and all 4 hear a slap. When they emerge, no one says a word but the Frenchman has a red hand print across his face.

The nun thinks that the Frenchman groped the Swedish girl…

Jones was appointed to the Army Training Center, where he was educating recruits about various government programs, especially life insurance Servicemen (LIS).
Soon his captain noted that Jones has almost a 100% sale rate for LIS…