Best Classic Jokes on the internet. An ever-growing collection of extremely funny jokes.
The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain’s parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show. …
Einstein said to Mr. Bean: “I’ll ask you a question.If you can’t answer correctly, you’ll give me one dollar. Then you ask me a question. If I can’t answer correctly, I’ll give you 1000 dollars.
Einstein: asks a question.
The different types of people:
A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.
An optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel….
A golfer invited a minister, a doctor and an engineer to play golf at his club. After a few holes, one guest said “That foursome ahead of us is really slow. They’re all over the fairway, they’re in the rough, four-putting holes…couldn’t we ask to play through?”
The host replied “No, we don’t like to do that. Those guys are blind. They have a special pro who helps them line up shots, and our club lets them play free.”
A cowboy and an Indian are riding horseback.
The Indian stops his horse, jumps off and puts his ear to the ground.
He looks up at the cowboy and says, “Buffalo come”.
A man wakes up after a heavy night of drinking to his wife happily cooking breakfast.
Confused, he approaches his daughter for an explanation of last night when he arrived home.
“You kicked in the door when you couldn’t get your key in the lock, fell through the table and broke it, and pissed your pants.”
Q. What does a wicked witch like to read in the newspaper?
A. Her horror scope!
Q. Why do dragons sleep all day?
A. So they can fight knights!
Q. Why was Cinderella such a lousy baseball player?
A. She had a pumpkin for a coach!
Q.Why did Cinderella get kicked off the baseball team?
A. She always ran away from the ball!
Q. Why were the giant’s fingers only eleven inches long?
A.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes asked: “Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see”.
Watson said “I see millions and millions of stars”.
Holmes: “And what does that tell you?”
Watson: “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that
A hairdresser and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Seattle to LA. The lawyer persuades the lady to play a fun game with him, but she’s so tired and politely declines the offer saying she needs to take a nap. …
A man with 4 children heard an announcement on the radio that the Government would give all families with 5 children a welfare allowance of $50,000 per month to support the family.
Fearing he was about to lose out on a financial windfall, the man called his wife and sheepishly said “Honey, I must admit, erm… I have a child with my girlfriend so I’m going to bring him to come and live with us
‘Competitive Salary’ We remain competitive by paying you less than our competition.
‘Join our fast-paced company’ We have no time to train you.
‘Casual work atmosphere’ We don’t pay enough to expect that you will dress up; a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
‘Some overtime required’ Some every night and some every weekend.
‘Duties will vary’ Anyone in the office can bo
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