A guy one day goes to a museum that has a dinosaur exhibit.

He spends a few hours wandering around and admiring the skeletons of a variety of dinosaur species. At one point he stops in front of a particular exhibit trying to get some sense of its actual size and age of this magnificent creature. He notices not too far from him a museum worker and says to him, “Quite a beast. I wonder how old it is.”

John, a rural farmer, decided to visit the zoo in the capital with his family. He has a lot of fun and comes back to ecstatic. His neighbor Tolya asks him what he saw there.

“Well, I saw a giraffe.”

Two statues, one female and the other male, had faced each other in a city park for decades. One day an angel appeared and said…
… “you’ve been such fantastic statues for such a long time, that I have a special gift for you. I am going to bring you to life for 30 minutes and you can do whatever you wish”. With a clap of his hands the statues came alive.

St Peter at the gate greets them and says ‘Alright. We’ve just built some new roads up here and we need to get you each a car. Depending on how faithful you were to your wives will determine the quality of the car. Sound good?’ 1st Guy: ‘I was happily married thirty years with my wife and never cheated on her once. She passed a few years ago but I still remained faithful’ St Peter: ‘That’s wonderful. Here’s a brand new Rolls Royce. Top of the line’ 2nd Guy…

A new preacher wanted to rent a house in the country but the only one available was rumored to be haunted. That didn’t bother the preacher since he didn’t believe in such things. He went ahead and rented the place.

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, “You’re charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.”
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, “You bastard!” The judge says, “You’re also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer.” The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, “You bastard!”…

Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.
Upon her return her Father cursed her heavily.
“Where have you been all this time, child? Why did you not write to us, not even a line? Why didn’t you call? Can you not understand what you put yer old Mother through?”
The girl, crying, replied, “Dad… I became a prostitute.”

An atheist is walking along the bank of Loch Ness, suddenly, out of the depths appears Nessie.

She snatched the atheist up in her jaws and threw her head back, throwing thim up in the air. Just before the atheist fell into Nessie’s jaws he cries out

Last week was my birthday and I didn’t feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, ‘Happy Birthday!’, and possibly have a small present for me.

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, “13… 13… 13…”

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.

A bright young executive had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech firm. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and handed him three numbered envelopes.

“Open these if you run up against a problem you don’t think you can handle,” he said.

Jim and Mary were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Mary’s heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said…

Three little old nuns are attending a church service in Rome when, in a freak accident, a giant crucifix falls from the old plaster wall and kills them.

When they arrive at the Pearly Gates Saint Peter says, “I’m so sorry, Sisters, that was a freak accident and wasn’t supposed to happen.