A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down.
He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, “We don’t serve beer to bears in bars in Billings.” The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, “We don’t serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings.” The bear, very angry now, says, “If you don’t serve me a beer, I’m going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar.” The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings.”

The local bar was so sure that its owner was the strongest man around that it offered a standing $1,000 bet that no could beat him. The challenge was that the owner would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the customer. Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop out of the lemon would win the money.

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks “If I show you something crazy, would let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?”
The bartender thinks for a minute and then says “It would to be something spectacular to take that offer.” The man leans down and picks up a box and sets it on the bar. He opens the box and inside is a small piano man, who is only 1 foot tall, and a little piano. The piano man starts playing classical music like Beethoven and Chopin.

I was just having a quiet pint by myself in a half-empty pub when some guy comes over.
“Would you mind moving, that’s my seat.”

Seeing as though I’d been there an hour, and there was plenty of other empty seats, I politely refused.

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.
Walks into a bar.
Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"

Three old friends met at a bar, and one asked the group, “When we die, what do we want to be the final words of our loved ones when they look over our casket?”
“I want them to say that I was a loving and loyal husband and father who always put his family first”, the first friend said.

A man walks into a bar, takes a seat, and asks the bartender for three shots of gin. The bartender gets one shot of gin and sets it in front of the gentleman.

"I'll take all three right now, if you don't mind," says the man. He puts $20 on the bar.

The bartender puts down two more shots of gin and picks up the $20. He watches from the far end of the bar as the man slowly sips the three shots of gin, one after another, pondering and lost in thought while he drank. After the third shot he thanks the bartender and leaves.

The Englishman wasn’t technically a man, but was rather the sentence, “What do you call a fish with no eyes?”.
Likewise, the Scotsman wasn’t technically a man either, but was actually the sentence, “I don’t know

“Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?”

One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, “Gringo, we are invading the United States of America to reclaim the territory taken by the

Two guys are driving from Kansas to Maine and they drive by a sign for Worcester, MA. They both look at eachother and say, ‘how the hell do you pronounce that?” The driver says “War-chester”, the pas